Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.

   I do understand women, but I don't know how to explain them to you.

   I really should get out of this destructive relationship, and find someone better, but I'd hate to mess up a good thing.

   What do you mean you're pregnant? We slept on the pull out bed.

   SOB...Get me a drink

   I like my women like I like my online forms, easy to submit.

   I love my women like I love my Keurig coffee, disposable after a single use.

   If you have enough cash, you can humiliate and take the dignity of any woman you want.

   I never leave the house because my phone charger cord isn't long enough.

   what if I am a high ranking illuminatii and dont even know it

   CAN I JUST GET A DAMM CUP OF COFFEE?

   OK WHERE CAN I EAT AT AND NOT PISS EVERYBODY OFF?

   Yep, no one will notice you're fat if you use a dog or little kids for a profile pic.

   I just want to find a radio station that isn't playing the new Adele song,,,, is that too much to ask.

   Shut up about the red cup and drink your fkn coffee. #StarbucksRedCup

   When you order your coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is "Merry Christmas"

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   Tom Cruise is calling for boycott of McDonalds because there isn't enough pictures of L. Ron Hubbard on the McNugget box..... See how stupid it sounds when it's not your religion?

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   I love my women like I love my coffee beans. Thrown into a burlap sack and transported illegally across Central America.