Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got mood poisoning from work....has anyone else had that problem?

   I spent 15 minutes changing my oil and then 20 minutes strutting around my garage thinking, "Sheeeeyah. I know what I'm doing."

   Epstein sells girls and his bank accounts go untouched. But Canadian truckers and the My Pillow Guy get shut down?

   Personally, I don't believe in Bros Before Hoes or Hoes Before Bros. There needs to be a balance. Sort of a homie-hoe-stasis.

   My wife basically has two problems: Nothing to wear and not enough closet space.

   A farmer friend of mine is really upset today. His wife sent him a Deere John letter.

   Sometimes you just have to play the role of a fool in order to fool the fool who thinks they are fooling you.

   Why do women always say they want a man with a stable job... What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after horses?

   Just checking to see if we're still suppose to be pissed off at who performed at the Superbowl halftime show.

   They say do what you do best. Stripper pole, here I come.

   What if they close all the grocery stores and we have to go back to hunting for our food? I don't even know where Twinkies live...

   It is said that every day is a gift. Can I get a copy of the receipt so I can exchange it for something else?

   I got to face the facts. My orange loser will never darken the doors of the white house ever again. Not even as a tourist.

   A couple bad apples in a bunch doesn't mean that the whole bunch is bad.

   Well, well, well, Trump is siding with Putin once again. Lovers in a dangerous time.

   You might say I am a Social Influencer. Well, OK. I'm a bad influence but still....

   Music is the universal language. Humor is the universal salve.

   When someone tells me a joke and I don't get it, I just say, "Ooh, man. Too soon."

   Sorry friend, but your latest post didn't gargle Zuckerberg's balls.

   Nobody likes a shady beach.