Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Walking in a winter wonderland still beats driving a Ford !

   Apparently running around Walmart with alka-seltzer running out of my mouth screaming, “The vaccine isn’t working!”, isn’t funny.

   Now that I am woke and want to make amends for my hateful act of being born white, I want reparations for all the money I spent at Pottery Barn over the years.

   16 and pregnant was supposed to scare you hoes not inspire you

   If $1200 was crumbs. What is $600 a bite

   I can’t wait for my bank account to say $601.50

   Don't forget to wave smile and wish your neighbors a Merry Christmas who are kind like Facebook friends you might not really know either, but live closer.

   Forget the past for you cannot change it. Forget the future for you cannot predict it. And while you're at it forget the present because I didn't get you one this year.

   Just because you have a guitar, Christmas outfit and the Christmas tree doesn't necessarily mean you have the talent to sing on Facebook.

   Can someone please go to MeWe and Parlor and wish them a Merry Christmas.

   Outlook for the rest of winter ... Criss de colisse de tabarnak?!?

   Some drink from fountain of knowledge others just gargle

   I know some surfer chicks who started a prostitution ring. They call themselves the Wavy Lays.

   Somewhere there is a Mom yelling “ I swear I’ll take all this crap back”

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

   Look. Those Christmas Walmart roll back prices are only for believers in the baby Jesus!

   B4 sliced Bread, what was the Greatest thing ?

   2021 Reality Check: You're not actually expecting things to get any better at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve, are you?

   Trump gets criticized for wanting to boink his own daughter, but dam, I want to boink her too.