Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being old is like being young. When ur young, you have to wait after you eat to go swimming. When you're old, you have to wait after you take Viagra to have sex. Either way, you have to wait an hour before you can go for a "dip."

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   Remember that chubby kid that couldn't play sports and was picked on by the kids who were good at it? Ask him how he feels about the entire world of sports imploding.

   Think I'm going to keep covering my face with a mask after the pandemic as they're really helping my dating life.

   Just because I disagree with you does not mean I hate you. We need to relearn that in our society.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   I'm going to name my next dog Nama . So I can say NamaStay !

   Covid-19 is the viral equivalent of a hangnail. If you believe this thing is anything more than that, you're an imbeciIe.

   A woman with her tongue pierced is like Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   the more things change, the more they stay the same.

   Love how I can remember the lyrics to just about any song written in the 70s but can't remember where I laid my car keys down last night?

   Teacher: "Billy give me a sentence with the words defence, defeat, and detail in it." Bily: "When a horse jumps defence, defeat go first then detail.

   Pro Tip: Adopt a retired drug dog to help find fun friends at parties.

   If you truly care about the friends you haven't seen in awhile, don't go see them during a pandemic.

   I'm amazed that my iPhone suddenly stopped working just in time as the new iPhone came out.

   If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

   2020 is a jerk! It only wants to make our leader look bad.

   The long and thin goes further in, yet short and thick's what does the trick.

   Amish girls make the best side chicks. They will never call you.

   I've been at a hotel in Tampa for a few days. I like playing tricks on the maid. You know that paper band that comes wrapped around the toilet seat? Before I leave, I put it back on. Yesterday, she left me a bowl o