Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   whoa they've gone way too far when they disarm Elmer Fudd

   95% of my news feed is now agenda driven. The other 5% is: "There's a bed and a chair in a room. If someone enters the room, how many pancakes each did the seat cushion and the mattress eat?

   Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet? Wife: I’m definitely bothered

   Good news: My son cleaned his room Bad news: He found his harmonica

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

   How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.