Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only reason I am not going to my patio and jumping off of the railing during all this madness is because I live on the first floor and do not want to look like a mental escapee to all of my neighbors.

   Why do people wear face masks in their Facebook profile picture, I mean come on now this is Facebook not the supermarket.

   Whatta ya mean I can't shop here? The wrong mask??? What??? -Batman

   As I sat there twirling my fingers through my hair I thought "I really must shave my balls"

   Why isn't Planned Parenthood called what it really is? Unplanned Parenting In The Hood.

   Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

   Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars

   Fun Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the "send" button by 95%...

   The spread of the coronavirus is based on two factors. 1) How dense the population is. 2) How dense the population is.

   Hasn't been a lot of UFO sightings lately which makes me wonder if everyone staring down at the phones has anything to do with that?

   Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.”

   I was in queue at the supermarket when a lady in front farted I got upset but before I say something, she turned around and said, 'if you heard that, then you are not keeping your distance,If you smelled it, then your face mask isn't helping you at all

   "I'm sorry to burden you with letting you know of my death, Mrs. Cleaver. But may I say that is a lovely dress you're wearing today." - Eddie Haskell

   I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It just craps on the floor.

   I'm convinced that to become a realtor, the only required skill is to be able to look nothing like you do on your business card.

   Coronavirus Problem #137: How does one receive oral gratification when the other participant is wearing a mask?

   If you are here for the yodeling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

   The salons have been closed for so long nobody is posting selfies anymore. They're all posting avatars.

   Since it is actually impossible to know which part of my life is the middle, I've decided to have a on-going crisis.

   Beavers don't go to heaven. In the afterlife they are sent to eternal dam nation.