Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bless the millions that will be attending the March for Life in DC today, with our President.

   Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   When the judge told Mickey he couldn't grant his divorce from Minnie just because you say she crazy. Mickey said, I didn't say she crazy..... I said she's f***ing Goofy.

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."

   “Can I get a umm...” -every person ever at the drive thru

   The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

   If you want to know what cereal you don't have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.

   A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

   Just been reading a letter from my Chinese penpal in Wuhan and apparently they hav

   Looking at my kitchen junk drawer I think I finally have enough miscellaneous things accumulated to build a spaceship to get off this rock!

   I go gas for a $1.49, but its too bad it was at Taco Bell.

   If you're alone and sad for Valentine's Day, to make you feel better just remember that for the love of a woman Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs :-)

   You know what goes great with the Corona Virus? Lyme Disease.

   The real gems are the woman who knew Yoda before he was turned into a baby.

   Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.

   My Korean co-worker was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner today. But someone let the cat out of the bag.