Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.

   I want to play Dodge Ball with random people who don't know they are playing.

   Now days crappy guys only want one thing from a woman. Back in the old days, they wanted them to also do the dishes and keep house.

   I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

   I do squats so I don’t have to work on my personality.

   *Playing pirates with my kids “I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

   To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

   Selling homing pigeons is a lucrative, and well return business.

   Hey if you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.

   I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.

   This year my mother gave my son a drum set for Christmas. Which surprised me. I said to her don't you remember how you hated it when I played the drums when I was a kid? She replyed with a smile , I remember.

   Here is a way to get rid of your unwanted junk. Pack it in an Amazon box, and place it on the porch.

   This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.

   I can't stand little kids, I know I was once one. But seriously can't stand them...

   Don't advertise "All You Can Eat" then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.