Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   80 million all in one lump sum??? Where do I sign up?

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   Screenplay I’m working on: The entire world is taken over by our phones when they become sentient. Title: Planet of the Apps

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.

   Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.

   "Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans."

   Preventing wars while protecting a nation's interests is hard. Starting them while serving only your own interests is easy.

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!

   It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.