Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you say the word "Rum-balls" without rolling the R...are you even pronouncing it correctly?

   I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.

   Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....

   I'm saying this before the 12th day of Christmas even arrives. I'm keeping the 8 maids a milking and the 9 ladies dancing. That's it Everything else is going back to Walmart.

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   I'm covering my ears like a kid When your words mean nothing, I go la la la

   I wrote a song called, "For Crying Out Loud, It's Cold Outside!" It's about me and my wife arguing over the thermostat setting.

   If you love Christmas so much, why don't you marry it, Eve? What I'm trying to say is: Merry Christmas Eve.

   a silent morning and a silent afternoon wouldn't be so bad either

   My New Years Resolutions for 2019 are to stop procrastinating, to quit leaving things to the last minute, to get things done in a timely way, and to stop expressing the same idea in three different ways.

   Merry Christmas everyone and Happy Birthday Jesus without a Facebook reminder.

   If you know anyone home alone for Christmas let me know! I need to borrow their chairs...

   Never ask a gay dude if he is anal, say OCD instead.

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   If you can read this, you're going to be pretty disappointed in what I "got you" for christmas.

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!

   Facebook needs a notification like: “Karen took your Facebook post personally. Would you like to unfriend her?”

   The Day After Christmas Menu: Breakfast: Leftover lasagna. Lunch: Leftover lasagna. Dinner: Leftover lasagna. Dessert: Leftover lasagna. Beverage: Lasagna shake.

   I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up.

   I got jumper cables for Christmas because I like to start crap...