Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in.

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

   Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k? Me: that's bananas.

   Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep. We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe. - me receiving an invitation of any kind

   Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.

   I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   WD-40 is an essential oil.

   I'm "When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head" years old.

   Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber? Me: Misread the brochure I have.

   Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

   I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn't wait to tell her bye.

   I heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out