Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~

   Money will change me I don't wanna lie. So please enjoy me while I am still broke.

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.

   anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.

   I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow..

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   Whoever designed my new phone that uses power to light up, beep and shake on and off for 15 minutes or so before it dies should be fired.

   I'm sweating like Joe Biden around an unsupervised child

   I went to see a chiropractor. It was about a week back.