Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Here are 5 things you should know about me: 1. I’m very secretive

   My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once . For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

   For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up

   What goes up,must come down. If it hasn't after 4 hours,consult your doctor .

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   To the people who have smoke alarms: Where’s your sense of adventure?

   The people who doesn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 are the same people who wears tin foil hats, thinking almost everything a is a conspiracy orchestrated by someone with nothing to do.

   If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

   Having babies is the solution to all of the world's problem? Sigh.

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   All conspiracy theories are based on the premise that the government is extremely clever. But most of the time the government is actually extremely stupid.

   I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!