Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The object of golf.... is to play the least amount of golf.

   If a bear tries to attack you in the woods, give it your bicycle. Maybe it's one of those circus bears. I mean, hey, you never know....

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to the neighbor's cat and watch it run around the neighborhood like a little stegosaurus.

   Will you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   it's so hot, Bloods and Crips have resorted to shooting each other with super soakers

   In my 20s: My knees hurt from being on my knees 😏 In my 30s: My knees hurt from being alive

   I will only date a woman 3 times. I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared my wife will find out.

   Did you hear. DEMI LOVATO New song? Sober not Sober

   People who read tabloids deserve to be lied to.

   20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash. no hope and no jobs. Hope nothing happens to kevin Bacon.

   Just a reminder: it reads WE THE PEOPLE. We’re all in this together as HUMANS. Doesn’t mean we own this planet as a religion or race.

   "When did hamburger start needing help?"

   Please don't say piracy is a victimless crime... Escape Plan 2 is 1h 45m of my life I will never get back again

   When Jimmy Garoppolo said he watches a lot of film, I thought it was talking about football

   It doesn't matter if you're black or white, heterosexual or homosexual, man or woman because cats hate all of you.

   Demi Lovato is doing a remake/cover Amy Whitehouse's REHAB

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   WE BUILT THIS CITY WE BUILT THIS CITY ON the ruthless and systematic exploitation of the working class through industrial capitalism

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."