Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   A man of few words is a married man.

   🎵Two bros, sittin' in the hot tub, 5 feet apart 'cause they're not gay!🎵

   Someone says I have finally been diagnosed...!!! I have a serious condition known as "Awesomeness" but don't worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious!!! ;)

   If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone

   I know I’m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.

   Face off was probably the worst movie we watched as kids. Imagine believing Nicolas Cage’s wrist size face could fit on John Travolta’s massive head.

   My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"

   Does Facebook realize when they put us in Facebook jail, they're separating us from our families?

   Friends are like farts, the loudest ones always have the least substance.

   It's better for people to think you're a fool then open your mouth and remove all dout.

   Imagine the disappointment a wolf would feel if he knew his descendent would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees you and your man bun.

   Has he made America great yet?

   Anyone at the gym with no headphones on is training to avenge someone’s death

   Dear Maw & Paw. I've been captured by the blue wave. They actually fed me, clothed me, got me medical attention, and teaching me to read. Total monsters.....Love, your son, Billy Bob.

   Thanks Obama, for making me rich, said no black guy ever...

   I can count the number of times I've made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.