Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was just kicked out of a restaurant because of my pants. Wasn't wearing any.

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   How do Amish women know if it's a romantic candle-light dinner or just a regular dinner?

   7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse

   Went to a costume party dressed as a chicken. Ment a girl dressed as an egg. We spent the night at my place. And I found out the answer to that old question. It was the chicken.

   Hey Greg, you forgot to add the stripper that gave you chlamydia to your minivan stick family.

   I’m an adult. I can buy a pet rock if I want to.

   Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.

   Trump just backed down from a big trade fight with China #MAGA

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.

   Thighs that slap together when you walk are just giving the owner an applause.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   One of those bathroom extractor fans, but for your negative energy.

   My son screamed like a little girl when he saw a spider so no paternity test was needed.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.

   But on the plus side, I'm completely immune to flash-bang grenades - Helen Keller

   My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping, I won't be covered.

   I guess Joe Jackson coulsnt even 'Beat it' to death