Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.

   Your 6 yo has a $800 phone? Cool. When I was 6 I was begging my mom to buy me the click-pen that had 4 colors.

   Dear Amazon, I bought a vacuum filter from you because that model is hard to find. It was necessary, not because I am fond of them. I am not a vacuum filter collector. No matter how many ads you display, or emails you send me, I am not desperate for more.

   If the paleo diet works so well, why did the Flintstones need vitamins?

   I hate new relationships. Now I have to act like I'm not crazy for 90 days.

   But have you tried applying more Vagisil?

   I’m feeling great. Almost feel like I can have choke sex again

   Today is national drug take back day. For your convenience, I will be placing a collection basket outside my front door.

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   I'm not the person my browser history insists I am.

   Curious. If a person fails at committing suicide. Could they be charge with attempted murder?

   When I'm standing in line at an amusement park I like to say (very loudly) "This is the ride that Jimmy got killed on."

   They say crime doesn't pay. So does that mean my job is a crime?

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   I hope the next big trend in music is Talent.

   do you realize that Def Leppard is the safest music to air drum to while driving because you can keep one hand on the steering wheel?

   If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals you probably shouldn't invite me over.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'

   If you put a little red vest and a leash on your bowl of queso you can take it anywhere.

   It looks like T-Mobile and Sprint are getting married. And to prove that things won't change, there will be no reception.