Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   If you ever see me running, follow me. The liquor is about to close.

   Ever noticed that when you are broke, you have common sense.

   "420 is to the marijuana industry, what valentine's day is to the flower business

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   Melania Trump to have first state dinner by herself. Hmmmmmm, interesting.....

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   So I was deleting ugly people on my FB account and I nearly deleted my damn self.

   I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.

   The pollen is so bad this year that the folks in the trailer parks are cooking their crystal meth back into Sudafed.

   If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?

   gettin extra faded in honor of mini me

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   I stopped talking to myself because it's too much social stimulation

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Mini Me was only 49. He lived a short life.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   I'm so ugly, when I play Mortal Combat, Scorpion tells me "Stay Over There!".

   Silence is your best responce when talking to an idiot

   What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.