Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's kinda awkward when you are wiping away a girl's tears and accidentally her eyebrows too

   If you can wipe it off with a wet towel, it’s not beauty.

   Stephen Hawking has died. Now he will have to face the God he said does not exist.

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   Now that Steven Hawking is gone, who will do the emergency alert broadcasts on the radio?

   Turtles are lucky because they come with their own nap forts.

   You can take the New Yorker out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the New Yorker.

   Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.

   I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers

   A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.

   A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.