Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grammar is important. For instance, commas and Capital letters make a difference. such as in these examples: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa" or "I helped my Uncle Jack of a horse" vs "I helped my uncle jack of a horse".....

   don't worry about your boyfriend dumping you, there's plenty of fish in the sea.......whats that?...There's an oil spill?....

   pissed! I open my m&m's and every one of them were Ws, I mean seriously?.. I should sue!

   Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.

   not illiterate...my parents were married!

   the plastic things at the end of the shoelaces are called aglets and their real purpose is sinister

   wishes the hair on his face would grow in as dark and as thick as the hair on his butt!!

   Dear Celtics and Laker Fans God will be ignoring all your request for a victory tonight so don't waste your prayers....

   RT @latinjns Jeremiah 28:11 He has a plan for your life, trust him to lead and guide you.....//Yes Lord!

   ..The big bad wolf tells little red riding hood to suck his d*ck. She says... "Look f*cker! stick with the story, You're supposed to eat ME!"

   Just figured out how to stop the oil spill! Put a wedding ring on it and it will never put out again.

   I use to hear snap crackle pop, and think of breakfast time. Now I hear it, I think I had better get out of this chair.

   The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!

   wondering why they don't simply cover the oil spill with a HUGE portion of kitty litter.

   It was all so different before everything changed.

   busy playing with his Shake Weight.

   When you are SINGLE all you see are happy couples.... When you are COMMITTED all you see are happy SINGLES!!! ;-)

   Just sprayed my wife with Axe body spray. Now I'm just waiting for a bunch of hot chicks to come rip her clothes off like on those commercials.

   What do BP executives and my wife have in common? Neither has done any real pipe work in 54 days.

   Never go to Traffic Court and say, "Shut up, Your Honor...I'm not done talking."