Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Look, all we have to do is put little pieces of paper with mystical-sounding gibberish on them inside these cookies -- we'll make a fortune!

   I received a Jury Summons today, guess its better then receiving an Arrest Warrant???

   You think when whoever invented the Bong, a black light appeared over their head....

   I saw a PETA add with several attractive women saying “I'd rather go naked than wear fur”. Please, no one tell them there's a third option.

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   Today I didn't even have to use my A.K. / I got to say it was a good day.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   will no longer be posing nude for money..

   now currently accepting resumes for a Full and/or Part time girlfriend. All applicants may apply within. You will be contacted with a call back if you meet the appropriate requirements. Please send you # at FB mail. Thank you

   A push up bar and a push up bra are two completely different items that have the same effect when used properly.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

   Go to Google, type in "world cup 2010", look at the bottom of the page. Gooooooaaaaaaal!

   A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

   A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

   Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.