Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   put the bom in the bom sha-bom bom, but lays no claim to the ram in the ramalama ding dong.

   What do I mean, "inner geek"? I'm deluding myself -- I'm pretty much geek all the way through.

   Footall AKA Soccer = the cure for insomnia

   You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!,

   With all the disease in this world, I'm just happy I didn't catch "The Stupid", or any other airborne illness like Freckles

   I once went 4 days with out a cell phone. So ya, Third World Countries, I get it now.

   Ok, TV coroners. We get it. You're comfortable around dead bodies. You can stop putting your sandwiches on them.

   Many personality flaws are now treatable mental illnesses... My insurance denied me coverage, apparently being an @sshole is a preexisting condition.

   I mix Corona with water and it gets me drunk... mixed Wine with water and it gets me drunk... I mix Tequila with water and gets me drunk again... therefore I've reached the conclusion that water is bad for me...

   Do camels think their feet looks like pussies?

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   Finds that the best place to pick up women is at the Immigration Office.

   knows one thing about the speed of light -- It always gets here way too early in the morning.

   loves life; but life thinks we should see other people.

   The ball got bigger, then it hit me

   NXT 4 Life! They're taking over!

   you're allways late, your work is slack, you bit#h and wine behind my back, a 2hr lunch 4u is quick, and twice a week you call in sick, i've hated you since the day you were hired, log off facebook are your fat a#s is fired

   my mother always taught me to lick it before I stick it

   Never question a woman's mood. Question her motive.

   With all the police and medical shows taking over primetime TV, you figured one could skip all of college to be in the field of criminal justice and medical.