Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I think NASA is making shit up just to see if anyone's listening.

   I get on the elevator at my hotel in Vegas and there is a girl in a wedding dress, she had just gotten married. She says to her friend "I can't wait to get changed". Old guy on elevator immediately says "Change into what, a b!tch?"

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   If my girlfriend had a little plasma on her forehead with a football game on, I'd always give her my undivided attention.

   Come to the Dark Side. We have cookies.

   When times get tough, just live a little more and laugh twice as much.

   playing around with the google doodle/logo :p

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair

   Welcome to Facebook where whine is served 24 hrs a day.

   "Gimme a whiskey, ginger ale on the side. And don't be stingy, baby."

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic

   You are now aware that you can't say Irish wristwatch.

   Mabee someone shoulda gave christina one of those wristbands the quarterbacks use and wrote the lyrics on it.

   Sometimes all you need is a good beer a walk and a talk to realize all you Need is a good beer a walk an a talk..

   be warned if you piss me off today I'm going to knock your teeth so far down your throat you will need to stick your toothbrush up your backside to clean them

   Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!

   February is National Chocolate Lovers Month, it's also Black History Month... coincidence?

   34 days till steak and rh day! :D

   Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'