Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you refer to Ben Roethlisberger as being a "loser" in The Super Bowl, you DO NOT have to use the word "allegedly".

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   You think you know someone, but what you really know is only what they choose to show you.

   Everything happens for a reason, and that reason is that life is totally random.

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

   I put my Xbox Achievments on College Applications. I got accepted to Princeton

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   People are often worried about the mafia, but I think it's Justin Beiber we should be worried about. Get on Beibers bad side and he can send tens of thousends of angry young girls over to your house to totally kick your butt! Beib's the new John Gotti.

   I would like to take this moment of silence for the black eyed peas career.... (grunting.... plop.... flush)

   why do you fear & hate someone who apparently is a lazy pig? Is it because you live in a whole and wipe your ass with your hand while that lazy pig has a house and understands cleanliness & hygiene? Hmmm? Perhaps.

   Facebook Commandment III: Thou shall not set thy profile pic as some hot celebrity even if thou looketh like an ugly mongoose

   I ate jalapeno's yesterday on my nacho's and I now know the what the "burning ring of fire" was all about....