Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you work at Subway?... Cuz you just gave me a footlong!

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!!

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   somebody please reassure me that i'm not the only one not happy with the way talent and fame are becoming inversely proportional.

   Will it ever stop; Yo, I don't know, turned out the lights, and there's snow

   introducing the latest game from Zynga.....SNOWVILLE..... make coins as Mr. Plow.....purchase snow shovels and snow throwers to do jobs...do "special jobs" clearing driveways for the elderly couple down the street as you ask friends for help.... and be ca

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   Though I know it doesn't work, I always try and shoot that laughing dog in Duck Hunt.