Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I talk to myself because my teenager wont talk to me

   Sometimes I cook with wine, and sometimes I even add it to the food

   has 32 friends online right now on a Friday night....Your all a bunch of losers...I am proud to be one of you.......!

   Charlie Sheen appears to be the real life Glen Quagmire. Giggity!

   apparently my wife didnt think "Who lit the fuse on your tampon?" was half as funny as my friends did

   Note to Taco Bell: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck,Glue some hooves on it and call it beef....

   How is it my cat is only one foot tall but his azz is always at eye level?

   One thing I miss about childhood is being able to throw a snowball at someone's head without the authorities getting involved.

   Who cares if taco bell isn't using all beef, whatever it is it taste good and it's playing the part!

   S.C.H.O.O.L. = Seven Crappy Hours Of Our Life

   Thinks that if someone says plz because it's shorter than please, you should say no because it's shorter than yes.

   I'm not ignoring you, I'm denying your existence.

   thinking that it was not a good ideal to eat a glazed donut over my keyboard...

   (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~ Smoking Kills! So why don't you have another.

   This might sound like an a-hole thing for me to say, but I think I could take Muhammad Ali now.

   Party ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ at my __̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡

   you say it best when you say nothing at all

   Vodka is made from potatoes. Which means once upon a time, someone looked at a potato and figured out how to drink it, Genius! but now I'm worried about Banana milk shake...

   s Akon 2006 "I wanna f**k you" .. Akon 2008 " I wanna make love right now na na na" .. Akon 2010 "I just had sex!" .. poor guy waited 4 years!

   the closest thing we ever got to a 3D movie was my friends Donkey punching me while watching Rocky