Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't like me, leave a message. If I don't get back to you, don't worry.. its probably because i'm too busy giving a damn.

   Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.

   You know you're addicted to gambling when you spend your hard earned money on virtual chips in Zynga.

   Using your car to take your girlfriend to that place she likes.

   put her trousers on, is having a cup of tea, and should probably think about leaving the house at some point...

   URGENT WARNING! Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to kitchen, get aluminum foil, and wrap it around your head. Stay calm and breathe through your left nostril ONLY. This is a SERIOUS problem and has been confir

   BBC News: high brow. Fox News: low brow. Al Jazeera: unibrow.

   BREAKING: Taco Bell to re-brand Itself as "64% Vegan"

   Why can't Horatio Caine figure out Dexter Morgan is a serial killer?

   New season of Jersey Shore to film in Italy.. To maintain balance in the universe, Italy will send 8 citizens to Fazoli's

   Oprah embraces her half sister & brings her into the family. Tomorrow, I will be showing up as long lost brother - JD Winfrey

   gone of the deep end, knowing that prison inmates can now poke me!

   Let's drink tequila till you don't remember what I suggest next..

   Slept with a coworker. She didn't want it to get "weird" at work. Well neither did I, so I fired her.

   The other 65% of Taco Bell meat is gorilla.

   I wonder how the people in Cairo, Egypt would act if they ever won a championship of some sort...

   90% awesome (i know its not 100% but I have more awesomeness than Taco Bell has beef)

   in other countries they riot against brutal dictators, in America we riot when our sports team wins a championship

   Your status leaves a bad taste on my eyes...

   your acceptance of what is about to happen isn't required, but I have this axe and I already dug a hole, so.....