Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

   remembers the last thing a wise man said to me was "Help! I'm drowning!" I never knew what he meant by that tho... he was so wise.

   Im like cocaine: I'm white, highly addictive and ladies usually leave the bathroom with me on their face..

   Why am I still single? Because humans are not monogamous by nature.

   Ever have one of those days at work no matter who talks to you they sound the teacher from The Peanuts cartoons?

   I went fishing for bottom feeders yesterday, and caught a R0unders!

   wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

   If its any consolation, I didn't get lucky last night either.

   watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.

   storming the Castle Anthrax all alone and doesn't want any back up!

   in the future wedding vows will include "Do you take this person as your married to status link on Facebook?"

   I think American Idol could make it a little more interesting by adding a trap door.

   ~ Proud to be the winner of the sperm race ~

   and with a flick of my lighter, the dishes are done.

   I didn't mean to get drunk, it just seems to happen when I drink.

   I live every day like it's my first. There's a lot of crying and sleeping involved.

   Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

   If you can read, then this status doesn't apply to you.

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   Sitting here with Google open, and now I can't remember what I didn't know.