Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The world would be a better place if people would just take my citizen arrests a little more seriously

   I would like to wish a very Merry Christmas to all of my Polish friends..

   So happy Regis Philbin is finally retiring...I hear he's been trying to vacate his stool for years.

   When I die, I want my Coroner's report to say.. death by mischief

   Those that say majority rules have obviously not watched the NBA.

   UPDATE: I'm still handsome.

   Somebody made alot of money selling their baby to Elton John! Hope he doesn't let the "SON go down on him."

   The Best part of tonight is no alarm clock tomorrow

   blocked you from reading this awesome Facebook status update. Please try back later.

   throws his hand up and pretends he's on a roller-coaster whenever the plane takes off.

   categorically denies all allegations......Next question

   I was in a Spelling Bee onze. But I lost bekause the other students cheeted.

   Today, I'm hosting a jousting tournament for ALL kids in the neighborhood! All you need is: $10 (entry fee), a bike, and a broom OR mop!

   Anytime something goes wrong and everyone looks at you just jump out your seat and yell "Mortal Kombat!!" while beating on your chest! That should clear the room nicely.

   naked in the shower. (You're welcome ladies.)

   girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.

   Hey, just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

   You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

   Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing. Then I can continue killing you with beer.

   Some people struggle with their addictions. I embrace them.