Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It hurts me to see your "I'm in a relationship" status on Facebook, how could you choose your toys over me! I HOPE YOUR BATTERIES DIE! >:(

   I wish I was made up of 5 midgets, like a human Voltron.

   According to Facebook my friend posting she was doing laundry then taking a nap is "Top News".

   Do you know where I can score some nasal spray?

   When you go cow tippin', do you only tip 15-20% of em?

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   The things that come to those that wait, may only be the things left behind by those who got there first....

   When I see people outside, smoking in freezing temperatures, it makes me wonder what else I can get them to do.

   just fell in a fountain.

   always confused when someone brings up Indians in a conversation...I never know if they are referring to the feather or slurpee ones....

   I have enough caffeine in right now that I can probably pull off a Jessie Spanno... i'm so, i'm so, i'm so scared

   says if someone questions your motives for doing something, throw them off by saying "I did it to protect you"

   "Never say goodbye when you still want to try. never give up when you still feel that you can take it. ...never say you no longer love a person when you can't let go..

   tips to get through work... Adjust your screensaver accordingly, I'm currently at a strip club

   I miss the days when their mother's loving kiss could solve all of my children's problems:o(

   My wife grew up in Liberty, Mississippi. I'm not saying Liberty is small or extremely Southern, but when you're in town and yell, "Hey Bubba!". . . EVERYONE turns and waves.

   If you have ever done anything foolish that could have caused grievous bodily injury to yourself. . . but didn't, I invite you to press like.

   It's FRIDAY!!! CARPE SCROTUM . . . seize the day by the balls!!!

   Happiness is cruising in the fast lane, maybe just a smidge over the limit, and the cop car right behind you, that you hadn't noticed, turning his overheads on. . . and immediately crossing over the median to go after some poor slob going the other way:-)

   Yesterday my wife brought home a book for me to read to enhance our relationship. The title of it is. . . "Women are from Venus, Men are Wrong"