Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Gas Station Owners….You're not fooling anybody, I think it's ok to get rid of the 9/10 of a penny thing…I can't ever remember saying, “ $4.00 is an OUTRAGE! But $3.99 & 9/10 is a Steal!!”

   If I'm half Welsh and half Hungarian, I wonder if that makes me Well-Hung

   To all my barbies out there who date Benjamin Franklin, George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, you'll be better off in life. Get that money!

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   I want you all to know that no trees were harmed in the production of this message. However, a rather large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced….

   can't afford these gas prices anymore..... I'm charging up Leroy's Buzz Lightyear car and leaving for work 4 hours early tonight.

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine or do they pay for it?

   "Hahahahaha, You Failed!" "Yeah, so did your dads condom."

   Sometimes, in my world 2+2=5 because I like to add a little extra to make it interesting.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   My niece asked me, who is that ugly girl on American Idol? I said her name is Steven Tyler

   Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..

   mom always said that I could be anything I wanted to be…dad always said mom's a dumbass…should have listened to dad… :/

   Every day of my life is like an episode of LOST, something crazy always happens and I never have any idea what's going on.

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in from the newsdesk.....Most women are comlplicated.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.