styles Funny Status Messages

   I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding

   I love asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because I'm still looking for ideas.

   I think the cats are hording all the single women out there... Happy Valentines Day everyone

   I remember back when the media didn't have to invent names like "polar vortex" to tell us that it is cold during winter...

   Just tried to check my Farmville for the first time in 2 years, apparently I forgot to pay my taxes and the IRS owns it now.

   Just finished putting the Ex-Lax in the candy

   Day 28: I am thankful for the fact that I do not have to see your 28 days of thankful posts for another year

   An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors

   Must be giraffe hunting season or something ....

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   I am so proud of my gun, I left it alone and it did not kill anyone

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   I can make beer disappear, what is your super power?

   5 blocks and no one has given me any candy, this is going to be a long day..

   If Obama can break the rules, so can the Patriots dammit.

   Tomorrow is National Half Priced Candy Corn Day