Destiny Funny Status Messages

   ‎90 people have swine flu(H1N1), and everyone wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom

   Dilemma: do I the wash dishes, or attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched "ninjas" The computer told me "Ninjas cannot be found" Well played, ninjas, well played

   worried that my drinking might be affecting my memory. I'm also worried it might be affecting my memory.

   I refuse to jump on the 'I hate Mondays' bandwagon. I hate all workdays equally

   man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out

   I just finished running 5 miles. Just fu@king with you. I'm eating a bacon and sour cream pizza.

   Ohhh! who lives in the kitchen, chained to the sink? Sponge mom sweatpants!

   If you have to wake me up to ask to borrow something, the answer is hell no.

   Going clubbing. ok, it's just to Sam's Club, but I'm trying to make it more glam.

   doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.

   Are you always this stupid or is today a special occasion?

   I lost the bar trivia last night by one point. The last question was "where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is , Fiji......

   nothing more say's you are a facebook stalker. Then updating your status with a girls name. When you meant to put it in the search box.

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   if you wanna be old and wise, you gotta be young and stupid..

   When someone asks a dumb question it's really hard to not reply with a sarcastic answer

   I'd mind my own business if yours wasn't so damn interesting

   The "b" in the word "subtle" sure is dumb.

   Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old