Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   "I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you told my mom you're no weather man, but she can expect a couple inches tonight.

   before you judge me, please understand that I don't give a crap what you think.

   Whizzing backwards on your office chair makes you look like a dynamic go-getter! But waddling forwards on it makes you look retarded :(

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I'm so glad I'm not a crazy person.

   I was just charged 8 dollars for a grilled cheese sandwich. I blew my rape whistle in the waiters face.

   It always seems like as soon as you start to figure out that life is a real b!tch, it has puppies.

   Do you know what I find interesting? ...Neither does this person who keeps talking to me.

   We are one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   When someone tells me to guess something and I don't but they keep telling me to try, I start to guess they want to be punched in the face.

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   Nothing says "Love" like having a ShamWow tossed at your genitals after having sex.

   Sometimes I want to punch words right back into people's mouths.

   There must be a trick to fighting fire with fire because my kitchen just pretty much has twice as much fire now.

   I'm wondering why the phrase, "It's none of my business" must always be followed by, "but?"

   It's sad that... last week's earthquake was the most movement we have seen coming from Congress in quite sometime now.

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   The first thing on my to-do list is burning my to-do list.

   Sometimes feels like life is a big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.