Funny Status Messages

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   I know winter has started when my neighbor returns my rake, and borrows my snow shovel .

   I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

   My goal weight it to be able to breathe while tying my shoes.

   You know how TV commercials for burgers places make the burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah, that's FaceBook

   People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   Facebook - The only place in the world you can be social while being antisocial.

   When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?

   The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.

   No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra' and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that my wife does.

   Car washes are just another shower to cry in.

   Just downloaded the new Samuel L Jackson voice to my Echo, now it wont quit asking me "whats in my wallet"...

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.