Funny Status Messages

   I'm at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn't have to get up to pee.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   Me and my recliner go way back.

   Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.

   [me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.

   I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid.

   For the most intelligent species on this planet, how did we end up with 5 Sharknado movies? Seriously?

   Late for work? Call your boss and tell him you're not coming. He will be so surprised when you show up that he'll forget you were late.

   I wish banks would do a better job of keeping their ATMs filled. This is the fourth one I've been to that is saying "Insufficient Funds."

   If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!

   The worst thing about parallel parking is that there are usually witnesses.