Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.

   Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

   I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   THE MOST CONFUSING DAY IN THE GHETTO IS FATHER'S DAY....

   needs a Facebook button that says "What you just posted makes me want to punch you in the face." Put it beside the "Like" button. Just a suggestion.

   If I have to pass a drug test to work my ass off, you should have to pass one to get welfare!!!

   Remember fellas, no matter how good she looks, if she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   The bigger the sunglasses, the crazier the chic.

   Hate America ? Everyone Hates america until your being ass raped by dictators

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Jamaican GPS' would be great. “TURN AROUND, MON. YOU GOIN' DE WRONG WAY. TURN DE ODDA WAY MON. KEEP GOIN' DATTA WAY, MON. TURN COMIN' UP ON DE NEXT LEFT. YOU GOT DIS, MON.”

   the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly...."

   thinks it is wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

   There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.

   For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

   Women who think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach are aiming a bit too high.

   How do you tell whether your wife or your dog likes you more? ... Lock them both in the trunk and when you open it later see which one is happy to see you.