Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I went to see a phsycic last weekend and she told me that I would be coming into money. Last night I f*cked a girl named Penny. Spooky or what.???

   Though I love and embrace all the cultures of the world, I still have to laugh when the guy at the customer service center in India says "What's up, bro? My name's Dave. How's it going?"

   I completely admire your talent of sitting on it and talking out of it at the same time...

   Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run, he hates that.

   If you recieve something that says, ”Send it to all your friends,” then please don't consider me as your friend.

   I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in. I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?" "Yes honey." "What is it?" "It's the date of our anniversary." Bltch.

   A true friend will bring you fresh underwear and shorts after you've accidentally sh*t yourself and not tell anyone. On an unrelated note, is anyone near El Amigo not doing anything?

   My life's one long beer commercial.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   I just want to live in a world where Chicken Pot Pies don't take 45 damn minutes to bake. Scientists, drop what you're doing.

   I have so much sand in my ass from the beach I have already made four little fartcastles on the floor.

   This October has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturdays and 5 Sundays all in one month. It happens only once every 823 years.

   I found 2 bananas and a cucumber in my new girlfriend's nightstand. I think she has an eating disorder.

   I'm going to a Halloween party without a shirt, so when people ask what I'm supposed to be I can say a premature ejaculation... I just came in my pants.

   Love 'em or hate 'em, you have to admit, Beyonce' and J-Lo never do anything half-assed.

   My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   When your drunk, leftovers aren't so bad....... this may or may not be about food.

   According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes... and women say the first thing they notice about men iss they're a bunch of liars.

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.