Funny Status Messages

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

   My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.

   Shia Labeouf sounds like something you do after eating Taco Bell

   Oh come on this is ridiculous! It’s July 8th and people are still setting fireworks off. One almost caught our Christmas decorations on fire.

   Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies

   Just so we're on the same page, I'm on 136.

   A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who need the advice.

   I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child.

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness