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Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks 
No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.
Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.
Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The worst five words are "can I have a bite."
Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.
Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes
I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.
I think I'll open a Vietnamese Restaurant and call it "Pho King Delight."
Frozen Vegetables... Or as I like to call them: Ready made ice packs that help you get your ice cream home without melting.
Dante, in his Inferno, posited that the ninth level of Hell was a lake of ice known as Cocytus with the damned encased in ice to progressively greater depths. So in reality, a snowball's chance in Hell is actually 1 in 9.
Batman- A billionaire practicing karate on the mentally ill.
Trust you?! Pssstt. I still count my money when it comes out of an ATM.
I saw a chameleon today, but if I was able to see it I guess it wasn't a very good chameleon.
it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car. 