Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   I'm having an identity crisis... I can't afford to be me... Can I be you? You're cheaper.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

   Don't tell me I'm insulting your intelligence when it's obvious you have none

   When you find someone who finally understands you, the world will go away.

   Sometimes I try to masturbate long words into my jokes, even if I don't know what they mean.

   I just tenderized the pork... now to put my pants back on and go start dinner.

   If I become president, I will put weight restrictions on skinny jeans and short shorts. Vote Me 2012!!!

   "Oh well... screw it!" - What I say before I hit "send" on most of my Facebook status updates.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that's trying to kill them.

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   They say getting over someone is directly proportional to how much they meant to you. That was the hardest 15 minutes of my life.

   I'm doing what I've always done... Learning from the mistakes of others who take my advice.

   Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.

   A weekend wasted isn't a wasted weekend.

   The only reason that I haven't yelled at anyone yet is because I am reserving my energy for a slapping spree...

   I think hugs are often mistakenly give where a swift kick in the ass would be more appropriate...

   3 things I've learned in school: Texting without looking, Sleeping without getting caught, TEAMWORK on tests

   discovered today that playing dead only comes in handy when face to face with a bear, and NOT at important business meetings.

   Don't call me crazy. I much prefer the term "mentally hilarious."