Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do?

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I thought the internet was originally created to save time. So what happened?

   Whenever I see someone I don't know wearing what look like pajamas in public I always wonder, have they completely given up on life or are they living it to the fullest!?

   please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here, please don't be laundry in here... -me opening the dryer

   Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   [training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

   [Getting home from fishing trip] MOM: Catch anything? ME: No, but a bear did MOM: Where’s your father?

   I don't keep in touch with my family very often. But when I do, I hear it on the Police Scanner.

   You know you're old if you remember a time when the only thing you could do with a telephone was talk on it.

   If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.

   I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.

   Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

   I am worn out today.....My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

   An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.