Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.

   The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.