Marshall the Great Funny Status Messages

   Kissing is weird as hell. "Um I really like you so I'm going to taste the inside of your face for a little while."

   "I'm extremely popular on Facebook" - Guy sitting alone at the bar

   I still want to walk away in slo-mo from a cool-looking explosion one day, but running away from a clogged toilet will have to do for now.

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   If I ever swallow something potentially life-threatening and I need to induce vomiting, I hope you're around to make it easier.

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   This 'places' thing still scares me a little. It's like saying, "Hey stranger, come find me, look I made it really easy for you."

   When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong.

   Nothing says to a robber, "I have brand new never before opened electronics piled up in my living room." Like a Christmas tree.

   Sending us to the couch is not as bad as you think it is ladies. It makes us feel manly... like we're camping... with an angry bear nearby.

   Dear 3rd stall over, flushing the toilet does not disguise explosive diarrhea. Thought you should know.

   Why do people feel comfortable texting you things they would never have the guts to say to your face?

   Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.

   Who is wise? He that learns from everyone. Who is powerful? He that governs his passions. Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

   If Lindsay Lohan made it through her cracked-out bleached-blonde lesbian jailbird phase, you can make it through today.

   I need to quit time-traveling whilst drunk! I can't remember what I did tomorrow.

   Flinging poo at a monkey in the zoo will get you kicked out, even if the monkey started it.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   You would think that by now those dumbass sickos that get busted on Dateline NBC's show To Catch a Predator would just haul ass as soon as they saw the clothes basket.