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I don't know about you, but I've thought about running away more as an adult than I ever did as a child. 
If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.
Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.
Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present
OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?
Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”
If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning
Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....
Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?
I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams
I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.
Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness
You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked
Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.
Me and my recliner go way back.
Anti-wrinkle cream takes all the creases off your face and puts them on Tommy Lee Jones.
[me, at the gym] I never expected to die like this
It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we'd probably have a few snakes.
I only wear glasses so I can take them off and rub my eyes when someone does something stupid. 