Funny Status Messages

   Everyone is gifted......But not everyone opens their present

   OK. Who is the genius who decided to call it Box Wine and not Cardboardeaux?

   Today’s hairstyle at Walmart is called, “And I didn’t brush my teeth either.”

   If someone doesn't get started on my laundry soon I'll be wearing a suit to cut the grass tomorrow morning

   Jack and Jill went up the hill, to fetch a pail of water. But with your help, we can put a well in their home village. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan....

   Any way I see it Jack and Jill were both idiots... Who in the hell goes up hill to find water?

   I want to lose weight, but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Ultimately, I have no hard feelings, wherever my missing socks go, I hope they find happiness

   You really can't say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

   Some days parenting's like The Sound of Music but with less singing and more hiding from the Nazis.

   I don’t think we can get through adulthood without a good sense of humor and a strong middle finger.

   I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

   My bank account is a pit stop where money comes to hold its breath before proceeding to where it was destined for.

   If women are always right,why do they always picking wrong men?

   My wife just told me that I need to grow up. I was speechless, but it is kinda hard to talk with 45 Gummie Bears in your mouth.

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.