Funny Status Messages

   The more random people you see jogging for no reason the higher the rent is going up

   For the first time I went into another room an actually remembered why I went there...... Ok so it was the bathroom but still I remembered.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullsh*t is over.