Funny Status Messages

   I'm just looking for anything that gets me as excited as 10-year-old me when Fonzie made a surprise appearance on Laverne & Shirley.

   Problems that have NOT been solved? Please join my class action suit against Vanilla Ice, who promised to solve them.

   September 22nd is the first day of Fall. Not today. Not tomorrow. Put down the pumpkin. And stop being a life ruiner. Also pumpkin spice lattes causes constipation.

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   Debate Format Change: The first Presidential debate will just be a comprehensive physical exam followed a colonoscopy.

   My girlfriend was complaining that I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold them.

   You caught me at a bad time. Between birth and death.

   I have heard "I can't believe you're still alive" more times than I'm comfortable with.

   PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: If you are attacked by a mob of Clowns ... Go for the Juggler.

   Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

   This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

   My most heavily used kitchen appliance is a fire extinguisher.

   "My vote is for sale. Anyone want to one up Madonna? I'm taking offers..."

   The only people watching your Facebook Live Streaming are your stalkers.

   Sorry you brought logic to a wife fight

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to adult.

   NASCAR would be more fun to watch if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.

   If I get addicted to eating cold turkey, idk how i'm going to quit

   You've reached expert Dad level when you can't drive by a gas station without commenting on the price.

   People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room. It's called arson and those people are called witnesses.