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The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday. 
I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.
I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.
My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.
You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.
Today is boozeday, I mean Tuesday...same difference!
You think a popular place like the Krusty Krab would have more than two employees.
I am not an alcoholic, I am a social drinker. I can't help it if I'm more social than the rest of you!!
I am coming to grips with the statistical likelihood that I won't be winning tonight's Mega Millions®.
Job interviewers like an applicant with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?
One should not hide their feelings but rather hide the evidence.
Nothing says, "My Balls are kept in a jar inside her purse", quite like a Joint Facebook Account.
How does Ted Cruz always look both happy and sad? "I like lasagna but it's not what I ordered", his face says.
I work hard so my dog can have a better life.
Superbowl Party Eating Tip: Your pants won't get too tight if you don't wear any.
A curling iron is not effective at turning regular fries into curly fries. I know that now.
I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. Like that one time I got married....
I am really into CrossFit. I cross my fingers and hope I can fit my a$$ in those jeans.
If you hold down the "Like" button, you can now leave different kinds of reactions and create so much more drama in people's lives who take Facebook too seriously....
You know you're getting old when one huge fart throws out your back. 