Funny Status Messages

   Before you give up in life, remember that the hair in your anus grows despite it's environment. So stay strong and never give up.

   Turns out the plastic bag they put in your ice bucket at a hotel isn't for to-go bacon from the breakfast buffet.

   This joke is 100% vegan, gluten-free, no artificial colors or flavorings, unprocessed, sugar-free - and that's why it sucks.

   My life may be a mess, but I know where everything is.

   Wearing workout clothes like I'm about to do something other than eat cereal.

   My anti-social behavior reached a new high today when I was un-invited to a wedding, and it made my day.

   Facebook is comprised of psych0s. 49% make you think that their lives are the most perfect thing ever, and the other 49% make you think that their lives are the worst thing ever. The other 2% are you n' me.

   I have walrus-like reflexes! Basically I roll around my apartment and slap my belly when I want food

   The person that thinks they're always right is the one person you want to be always wrong

   I read an article about women being over thinkers. I've thought about it for a week. I definitely don't fall under that category.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.

   Sometimes things just don't work out. And for those times there's always alcohol.

   I have no problem with strangers, as long as they don't act like they know ME.

   I don't mind that my wife yells at me sometimes and tells me "You need to stop joking around so much and be more serious", I just wish she wouldn't do it when I am naked.

   The key to an unhealthy relationship is being with me.

   The only thing that scares me about this whole election is the Sunday drivers out on a Tuesday.

   I consider myself a social drinker....which means I'm pretty much social all the time.

   I'm not very good at human interaction. Would you mind leaving the room & texting me about this? Thanks.

   My wife didn't appreciate me pointing out that my alcoholism began around the time that we first started dating.

   You look so beautiful I forgot how bad your personality was.