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Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up. 
How did people get their blessings before Facebook was around for them to type Amen and share?
My girlfriend is training for 2020 Olympics where she'll be competing in the Conclusion Jump.
Do you know what really grinds my gears? Not pushing in the clutch far enough when shifting.
Russia hacked my Yahoo email, which now explains why those hot singles never responded ...
The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart. The fact that her boobs are in front of her heart is not our fault.
Sorry I followed your minivan for thirty miles. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ended.
For a song called " piano man" dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up
At what point did Cardi B think to herself, "I'm tired of this life, I should try to be a singer," while she was dancing around the stripper pole?
Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.
I'm aware that Flesh-Eating Bacteria is terrible, but if anyone knows of a Fat-Eating bacteria I'm all ears.
I am giving up drinking for a month. Sorry, that came out wrong... I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?
When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door. 