Funny Status Messages

   Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

   Nothing disturbs me more than the glorification of stupidity.

   No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

   Rich men treat ladies the way ladies treat broke men.

   There was a homeless man I was going to give a dollar to untill I read the sign he was holding that read "One day this could be you." So I put the dollar back in my pocket in case he may be right.

   "Let me clear my calendar for the royal wedding on 19th May" - said no one ever.

   Calm her down. Women love to be calmed down.

   My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...

   An apple a day is bull crap.... Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   Whenever I'm walking down the street and see a car stopped at a red light I like to wave until the person rolls their window down. Then I say, "You know, you can't park here."

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   Kids, here's how to get double candy on Halloween. Put on your costume. Then cover it with a sheet. Go to door the first time as ghost. Take sheet off go back again with other costume. Bam double candy. Happy Halloween.

   What if tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow?

   When the teacher pointed her ruler at me and said their's an idiot at the end of this ruler. I said which end?

   “Sorry for the late response” is my email signature

   I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

   Can we just call the Chinese Corona Virus Kung Flu?

   Dear Ebay, I bought a plunger from you three years ago and don't need any more notifications letting me know new ones are for sale like I'm some kind of plunger collector or have some kind of weird fetish for them. Thanks!

   This quarantine got me thinking… What did our parents do to pass time before the Internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them knew either.